How to analyze a burger

I decided to approach my upcoming burger reviews - both mine and restaurants’ - with an analytical matrix of sorts. Yeah, that’s right. Here at Mike Likes Burgers, you don’t just get frivolous nonsense, you get analysis. It’s what separates me from the burger blog chaff.

I wanted to measure three characteristics: complexity, quality and value, all with a score from 0 to 5. It’s a bit subjective - sometimes you want a traditional burger, sometimes you want something wild - but you always want a burger to be of good quality and taste great. 

So without further ado, I give you the greatest burger analytical tool ever devised: the BurgerDAR.

Fig. 1: A BurgerDAR applied to a hypothetical burger, wittily named the hypotheburger.

So if the hypothetical burger gets a 2/1/4, it means that it’s a traditional fast food burger that tastes delicious. A 4/4/1 is an edgy and experimental burger that didn’t get the fundamentals right, such as a stale bun or overcooked patty. I could have gone with a traditional matrix, but the BurgerDAR offers the expression of complexity wrapped in the bun of legitimacy.

So how does a burger gain points in each of the three areas? It’s not a precise science; after all, you can’t quantitatively judge a burger to be “good”. However, there are some parameters.

Complexity - Are the ingredients special? Do the meat and toppings work well together? Was the burger constructed thoughtfully? Are the toppings or condiments unique or edgy? Does this burger push the envelope?
Quality - Is it cooked to perfection (varies by cooking technique)? Is it excessively dry or greasy? Is the bread fresh? Are toppings or condiments excessive?
Value - Is the burger priced well for its quality and complexity? Is it truly memorable?

When reviewing restaurants, I’m only interested in the burger itself, not the service or decor or other distractions. I’m concerned that my analysis will be befuddled if I’m too busy scrutinizing the ambiance.

So there you go. Get ready for burger action.

Get ready for the BurgerDAR.

What is a burger?

Before I dive into the world of burgers, I have to actually define what they are. Otherwise I might accidentally review sandwiches. This site isn’t called “Mike Likes Sandwiches” and accuracy in content is important to me, so thus I create boundaries for myself. Let’s start with the Oxford English Dictionary, the English language’s only attempt at a definitive dictionary.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines a burger as:
Pronunciation: ˈbəːgə/
noun

• a flat round cake of minced beef that is fried or grilled and generally eaten in a bread roll.
• [with modifier] a similarly shaped cake made of a specified ingredient: a nut burger

I think in the contemporary context it’s important to remove beef as a necessity for the burger. Many meats, nuts, vegetables or combinations thereof make appropriate burger patties. It’s understandable why Oxford would use this definition, as dictionaries define the common perception of thing. I’m more interested not in what burgers are, but what they could be. So I’m going to use a simpler definition:

A burger is a cooked patty made from raw ingredients that is partially enclosed by a bun on its top and bottom.

I think this is a tidy definition. On one hand, it emphasizes the preeminence of the patty over its accompaniments. It’s important that a patty is defined as cooked from raw ingredients, as it differentiates a patty from deli meats. Wilensky’s Light Lunch in Montreal has been serving their Wilensky’s Special of grilled beef salami and bologna on a kaiser with mustard since 1932. It’s a noble sandwich, but it’s not a burger.

Also, the bun being at the top and bottom differentiates the burger from a taco or a wrap. There is the possibility of a burger where a single slit is cut into the side of a roll and the burger inserted, but I would consider that a burger roll, a dodgier cousin of the burger. A burger shouldn’t be cooked with the bun like a sausage roll or Cornish pasty; the cooking of the patty and optional toasting of the bun should occur separately, and then the burger assembled.

So there you have it, the definition of a burger.

On burgers, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the patty

I enjoy eating burgers, and I enjoy writing. I’m quite surprised how long it took me to finally start a blog about burgers, but here I am. For years now I’ve wanted to take part in the social media world deeper than the walled gardens of the sharing services. I wanted to do something public and dive into the creative and destructive onslaught of the Internet.

Why burgers? That’s a ridiculous question. Have you had one lately? I rest my case. Burgers are culinary behemoths, more of a culinary platform than a particular dish. The evolution of the hamburger is the evolution of interpretive cuisine and, more broadly, rapidly-evolving culture.

That said, I’m not using burgers as cultural symbols (so back off sociology students!); this is literally a blog about burgers. Expect a bevy of burger-related material here, from recipes, combo ideas, restaurant reviews, interviews with local burgerati, travelogues, tips on staying healthy amidst burger binges, etc.

So if I do my job right, you’re going to get pretty hungry reading this blog.